A (Satirical) Ode to: Animal Crackers



Daniel Holtaway, Staff Writer

Animal crackers. Whether you’re at a circus or “forgot” to leave Costco when it was closing and need to eat to survive, animal crackers will be there for you to eat to your heart’s content. They are delicious; this is an indisputable fact. Even the most obnoxious hippie can’t quell their ancient thirst for high fructose corn syrup, especially in the shape of a funny gorilla. So why don’t you eat animal crackers? Are you too good for them? Do you refuse to eat them because they would make you seem childish? 

The snack food is a particularly boring invention of our times. It was all designed in a lab to make us fat and happy, but it only succeeds at the former. The animal cracker however, is not of our time. It was invented in the 19th century, back when you didn’t have to go overseas to source your child labor. Before companies had teams of scientists to make their food as addictive as possible, this wonderful manna from heaven still existed. It wasn’t forced into existence by some greedy company; it was birthed by the universe, gifted to you from your god.

I decided to poll people about animal crackers to see what the consensus opinion was around the magical wheat meat. Of the three people I asked, 66.67% of people said, “Animal crackers? Dude, how did you get in here?” while 33.33% said, “Get out of the store and go to bed. It is four in the morning.” Discouraged by those results, I decided to interview the Madison student population, as they had no power over me and could not kick me from Costco. 

Unfortunately, when asked to be interviewed about animal crackers, all students shockingly declined. I interviewed them anyway. “Can you leave me alone,” one student, who requested to remain anonymous, said, “Why are you in the SAT testing room with a boom mic anyways?”