Detailed ranking of Madison’s staircases



Daniel Holtaway, Staff Writer

“Staircases” were created by “Big Knee” to sell more “cartilage”… sad

  1. Staircase by door 6: This staircase is used by probably four people. Which is good, because there were no witnesses when I fell down it. This is absolutely not related to the time I broke my collarbone fighting a home invader. My image has never been better.


  1. Staircase to the stage in the auditorium: If you use this staircase, you are a coward. Climbing up it is excusable, if you have a pathetic vertical leap, but there is no good reason to walk down it when you can jump off of the stage. If you use the auditorium stairs, you are not my friend. Jump down like the rest of us, loser. 


  1. Band hall staircase: It would be much cooler as a ramp.  Wasted potential… Sad!


  1. Math hall staircase: It is way too congested. Should try Mucinex. This staircase is on the losing team. 


  1. English to science staircase:  Too congested. Also, there used to be a sign at the bottom that said up only, but no sign at the top, which made no sense because the people at the top wouldn’t know to avoid walking down. Merciful to the sign though, because everyone would ignore it anyway. Tragic, truly.


  1. Blended staircase: This staircase is a good alternative to the English Science staircase as it gets less traffic, and smells slightly better, but that’s all it is. An above average staircase. Irrelevant. I bet you think you are above average as well, where does that get you? Does being better than other people make you feel special? Is being just “above average” worth anything? You disgust me.


  1. Old math hall staircase: Only the juniors and seniors will remember this staircase, but it was too wonderful for us to forget so soon. It was the best way to get to the cafeteria, and while it was somewhat congested, it drew traffic away from other staircases, making the school easier to navigate. The only reason it isn’t number one is because of the mysterious smell at the bottom, which always terrified me a bit. 


  1. Language hall staircase: This staircase is wonderful. It increased my life expectancy by seven years. It is always very pretty because of the exquisite art from the Spanish classes. The traffic flows well enough considering how important the staircase is, and I have only fallen down it thrice. This staircase is the third best thing since sliced bread, and it might be better than sliced bread, because it is gluten free. 


  1. Elevator staircase at the end of the English hallway: The most empty staircase. Good airflow. No terrible smell. This staircase is just great… truly tremendous. Winning team’s staircase. This staircase is always winning. Winning is all it knows how to do. 


  1. The old ramp near the auditorium: I bet you weren’t expecting that. You were so focused on the staircases, and forgot about the best incline of them all. I wonder if staircases ever get upset at how much better ramps are than them. You can’t skateboard down a staircase, but you can break your hip after the apple store security guard in the mall tackles you down one. I’ve never been handcuffed on a ramp, or been read my Miranda rights on a ramp, and I’ve certainly never lost an injury lawsuit involving a ramp. Ramps 5, staircases 0.