Detailed ranking of Madison’s staircases

PHOTO+COURTESY+OF+ERIN+MCCORMICK

PHOTO COURTESY OF ERIN MCCORMICK

Daniel Holtaway, Staff Writer

Staircases were created by Big Knee to sell more cartilage… sad!

The old ramp near the auditorium: I bet you weren’t expecting that. You were so focused on the staircases, and forgot about the best incline of them all. I wonder if staircases ever get upset by how much better ramps are than them. You can’t skateboard down a staircase, but you can break your hip after the Apple store security guard in the mall tackles you down one. I’ve never been handcuffed on a ramp, or been read my Miranda Rights on a ramp, and I’ve certainly never lost an injury lawsuit involving a ramp. Ramps 5, staircases 0.

Elevator staircase at the end of the English hallway: The most empty staircase. Good airflow. No terrible smell. This staircase is just great… truly tremendous. Winning team’s staircase. This staircase is always winning. Winning is all it knows how to do.

Language hall staircase: This staircase is wonderful. It increased my life expectancy by seven years. It is always very pretty because of the exquisite art from the Spanish classes. The traffic flows quite well, and I have only fallen down it thrice. Overall, it is my third favorite staircase.

Old math hall staircase: Only the juniors and seniors will remember this staircase, but it was too wonderful for us to forget so soon. It was the best invention since the wheel, and it may even be better than the wheel considering how poorly they tend to work on staircases. It was the best way to get to the cafeteria, and while it was somewhat congested, it drew traffic away from other staircases, making the school easier to navigate. The only reason it isn’t number one is because of the awful smell at the bottom, which always terrified me a bit.

Blended staircase: Do not bike on this staircase. This staircase is incredibly bad for biking. Please.

English to science staircase: Too congested. Also, there used to be a sign at the bottom that said up only, but no sign at the top, which made no sense because the people at the top wouldn’t know to avoid walking down. Merciful to the sign though, because everyone would ignore it anyway.

Math hall staircase: It is way too congested. Should try Mucinex. This staircase is on the losing team.

Band hall staircase: It would be much cooler as a ramp. Wasted potential… Sad!

Staircase to the stage in the auditorium: If you use this staircase, you are a coward. Climbing up it is excusable, if you have a pathetic vertical leap, but there is no good reason to walk down it when you can leap off of the stage. If you use the auditorium stairs, you are not my friend. Jump like the rest of us, loser.

Staircase by door 6: This staircase is used by probably four people. Which is good, because there were no witnesses when I fell down it. This is absolutely not related to the time I broke my collarbone fighting a home invader. My image has never been better.