You’ve probably been here before in one way or another. It’s the early hours of the morning, you’re tired, rushed and frustrated; you go through the motions of the dance. 1: Take your laptop out of your bag. 2: Wait as the line inches forward. 3: Set off the metal detector. Next, you will probably have to pour out your water bottle or take off your shoes, UGH! While at first it may seem like the metaphorical you is on their way to Antarctica, in reality, this is the lived experience of those on their way into the cinderblock building infamous for its role in the education of the youth.

This past Friday, the first young man to be stopped, who wishes to remain anonymous, was in trouble for attempting to smuggle 30 live monkeys through the metal detectors. This John Doe was caught when a nearby teacher on TSA duty started eating a banana and all of his secret cargo started geckering. When questioned later, he claimed that he was trying to bring these specimens into his anatomy class, as, due to funding cuts, there wasn’t enough money for dissection labs. Clearly, this young man missed the memo about animal cruelty in science experiments. 

The next person to be stopped was a young lady who was carrying a series of metal cooking implements in her bag, some of which included a whisk, metal spatula and butter knife. After setting off the metal detector, she was taken away by the Warhawk-looking mascot to be searched. No one has seen her since. If you have any information on her whereabouts, contact her friends at 111-111-1111. They have been very anxious to get their calculus study group back together.

The third person who was stopped during the operation period was pulled aside for the crime of licking a metal detector. This made the devices uncomfortable. In general, it appears when their personal space is invaded, it tends to set them off. The accused was sent to “The Middle Line” for further interrogation after this offence. After the turning out of their pockets and a thorough search of their bag, it was determined that the accused was no longer a danger to the community and could therefore enter the building.

After today, the list of banned items has been expanded to include: 

• Purple binders
• Water bottles taller than 8 inches
• Rulers with metal rims
• Umbrellas 
• Phones and calculators that remain in the same pocket
• Flutes 
• Butter knives

The list of banned actions has been expanded to include:

• Walking too close to the metal detectors
• Sneezing
• Existing with a suspicious hair color
• Moving too fast
• Moonwalking
• Turning around too quickly after crossing the metal detector

As the threats to our fragile community continue, make sure you keep your guard up and report any suspicious behavior to the school hotline at 111-I’mAfraid-9999. Stay posted for real time updates at warhawknews.com.