There are a lot of things that arrive and disappear with the passage of time. Nations, kings, cultures, these things come and go as centuries pass, lost to time. Our own country has only existed for less than 250 years, and even only 157 years is “forever ago” and we should “just forget it already”. For the last 2900 years however, one thing has remained constant. The grueling grind of February followed by March, 1/6th of the human experience for hundreds of generations. The most absurd thing about these months is that with nearly 3 millennia to come up with holidays, these months have given us some of the most lukewarm, unimaginative holidays ever.

 Valentine’s Day is just an excuse to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend for once in your miserable life. Why do you have to wait until the 14th to do something meaningful for somebody you supposedly “love”? If they love you back, why are they demanding you buy them overpriced chocolates? You are both pretending. It’s not even a national holiday either, so you have to fit your dinner date into your hectic schedule. Maybe if you both were less busy, you would have more time for each other. It’s like you don’t even know each other sometimes, how long can you go on like this? Is sitting in a crowded overworked steakhouse really going to fix all the problems you have? 

In theory, President’s Day should be a nice little holiday. After all, it is the perfect day to buy cars and worship politicians, the two most American things after cheeseburgers and Pat Tillman. Unfortunately, today is the day she has decided to break up with you. Nice going. Did you know that you’ve never even gotten her flowers? Unbelievable. It’s not like you can distract yourself either, there is nothing interesting that happens in February. The Super Bowl already happened, so unless you are the one person interested in watching highlights of yesterday’s NBA All-Star game, or a game 40-something from some random NHL team, you are going to be getting drunk alone to a rerun of Family Guy. 

March is an improvement from February in the same way that a car accident is an improvement from a plane crash. Winter should be over by now, this is getting ridiculous. Even when the weather finally starts to improve, it’s not like you have the time to enjoy it, after all, beyond weekends, there isn’t a single day off in the entirety of March. There are only two things to look forward to in March: the annual March Madness bracket you are sure to embarrass yourself in, and St. Patrick’s Day. St. Patrick’s day began as a way for Irish Americans to celebrate their culture, but it has devolved into people pretending to be Irish, dyeing everything green and getting drunk. And God knows you need it. The more you drink, the less you have to think about her. You might call in sick tomorrow, you may as well take a day off this month, since there aren’t any official ones. In fact, let’s turn this into a holiday, we can even name it after you. National Hungover Slob day. Aren’t you proud?