The mice are absolutely going to hate this announcement, but the mice don’t run this school, we do. My investigation began on a regular, supposedly vermin-free morning, when social studies teacher Theresa Schnieder saw something she’d never forget. Under the cover of dusk, the beasts had infiltrated her classroom and wreaked havoc on her supplies.

“I literally had mice all in my drawers, they shredded up all my index cards and left poop all over here,” Schnieder said, gesturing towards her desk. “I had food in my drawers, I’m surprised they didn’t go for that, just my index cards.” 

Not only does this offense prove the ruthlessness of these creatures, but it exemplifies their malicious intent, as they hunt not for food, but for sport. Schnieder is not the only teacher who’s fallen victim to these fiends; multiple teachers have been forced to act with increased vigilance due to past incidents with the savage mice. 

“After last year, I’ve been trying to get ahead of them by putting out bait and traps and stuff, so I haven’t seen any this year,” Nutrition and Wellness teacher Rachel VanPelt said. “I have seen evidence of them, and I know Mr. Foos, whose office is over there, has had some issues.” 

The mice have unfortunately traumatized many who lost possessions they held extremely close to themselves due to the ferociousness of the barbaric animals, now having to ensure their belongings are unbreachable. 

“I keep all my food in closed bins, had to learn the hard way, turns out rodents really like chocolate; I didn’t know that,” English teacher Beth Blankenship said.

After scouting the halls, I found the majority of these mice lurking in the oldest sections of the building: the history and English hallways on the first floor. While the teachers in those halls immediately understood what I was asking about, even if they themselves had not been disturbed, many teachers on the second floor were surprised by my queries regarding the mice. 

“That’s so crazy that you’re asking now, no I don’t have any mice here, but I just had a dream last night that there were mice here,” biology teacher Ethan Cussatt said.

Other teachers on the second floor expressed similar incredulity when asked if they had ever encountered a mouse during their time here.

“What’s the context for this?” environmental science teacher Joshua Shipman said. 

This isn’t to say the new wing or other floors are safe from the gnawing brutes, none of us are safe until every mouse has been exterminated. Mice are known to carry over 35 diseases that this apocalypse could bring upon our students and staff. Even for those blessed to have never seen one of the vile critters, their feces can also transmit disease, as Schneider very specifically stated.

 “There were mouse droppings on my paperclips, and mouse droppings carry bad things for people,” Schneider said. 

I conjured a plan after recalling something else Schneider had said about the mice terrorizing this school.

“It has to do with the construction outside here. It brings the mice inside, especially during the winter when it’s cold and they have to go inside,” Schnieder said.

I figured it out, the true villains are the construction workers toiling hard for us, day after day. They must be taken care of. I considered trying to have them paid less (they have it too easy), but why stop there? I decided my best course of action would instead be to take advantage of my Hawk Talk privilege and spread anti-mouse propaganda across the school. I asked my peers if I was allowed to make the cover of this cycle a “The Shining” style photo of one of our elevators, except with mice instead of blood. I was informed that this would require a couple hundred mice, and the Hawk Talk has only been able to afford up to 61 in the past. 

Despite the hours I had spent studying the “Mouse Trap” board game for inspiration, I had been running into walls for weeks and was close to giving up on this important cause. 

Just as I was about to call it quits, it all became clear to me. My Shining plan was useless, it had as many holes in it as a block of swiss that my enemies would feast upon. My plan would’ve never worked because I was trying too hard to hunt the mouse. In order to truly catch the mouse, one must not hunt the mouse. In order to catch the mouse, one must think like the mouse, this is where I shined. This is me signing off, I will now embark on my last crusade against these mice, I hope to return accomplished.

Update: I am feverishly ill and it’s oh-so cold. Perhaps the true victims of these mice were never the teachers and students harassed by them, but the many, many journalists who lost their own identities in an attempt to put an end to them. To complete this article, I shall compare the mouse to another foe I hold in very similar regard. The tagline of David Fincher’s “Zodiac” reads, “There’s more than one way to lose your life to a killer.”I finally truly understood something Schnieder had said about the mice, “The mice make me angry,” said Schnieder. Remember, if you or a loved one have been personally victimized by these vicious creatures, contact The Hawk Talk at [email protected].