“It’s 10pm. Do you know where your children are?” Everyone’s heard the wild stories of their parents’ and grandparents’ childhoods, from getting lost in the mall for hours to gallivanting around town with their friends. Their lives were seemingly free of any sort of adult regulation; Generation X grew up in a time when PSAs, like the one above, were necessary every night to prompt parents to keep track of their children. This is unimaginable now: between Life360 and promises to text by the hour, parents know exactly where their children are and what they’re doing. While there are merits to both styles of parenting, it’s undeniable that modern parents are significantly more involved in their children’s lives. 

The influx of involvement is seen especially as parents take a more active role in their child’s education. High school is the time when young adults withstand the crushing pressure of peer, school and internalized expectations. Parents can show their support by shouldering some of the load, but if they’re not careful, their involvement can add to the pile of burdens and stressors that high schoolers carry.

“At times, when I am struggling in [AP Language], I wish I took honors instead. But I know my parents have the best interests for me, and they know how far I can push myself,” Eileen Kang (’27) said.

The transition from middle to high school can be a particularly difficult one; according to U.S. News and World Report, on average, high schoolers complete 15 more hours of homework each week compared to middle schoolers. And as college applications and grades begin to have real consequences, families start to place a larger emphasis on education. This can often manifest as parents becoming more involved in the choices their child makes, ranging from course load and SAT preparation to extracurriculars and social life, which becomes a difficult balancing act for parents and students to manage together.

“We want [our son] to be able to learn that his decisions have consequences,” creative writing and English teacher Michaela Dunn said. “Oftentimes, we’ll have a conversation: ‘this is why we agree with this or don’t agree’, and then if he’s still really gung ho, then we’re gonna let him make the decision so he can see [for himself].” 

Parents have invaluable insights when it comes to the decisions that can determine a student’s future given their understanding of their child’s interests and personality. During course selection, parents can offer advice on which classes are worthwhile, however, their life experience doesn’t qualify them to make decisions on behalf of their children. Their advice can work against the interests developing during high school and hold students back from trying new things. 

“Part of high school is trying [new] things,” school counselor Kelly Hoffman said. “There shouldn’t be so much pressure to make the ‘perfect decision’, and maybe some ‘not wise’ decisions will be made, but we’re learning and growing. And this is the time to take a chance.”

While plenty of people find their calling early in life, most need to experiment to discover their passion. Although college can provide that opportunity, it can be difficult to justify trying out new interests at such a high price point; thus, starting new hobbies and electives during high school is critical, but this approach comes with its own drawbacks. With college just around the corner, the pressure to choose higher-level or career-oriented classes can result in a full schedule. Doing so leaves little to no room for recreational electives.

The struggle for balance between giving space for exploration and specialization begins early. In Fairfax County Public Schools (FCPS), students are split into general education and Advanced Academic Program (AAP) classes as early as 3rd grade. Later, pressure is put on teenagers to pick a career track from the start of high school, as they are slotted into different levels of rigor. A lot of that pressure stems from peers, teachers and even the students themselves, to not only make it into the highest level for each subject, but to succeed. 

When it comes to class level, the middle school honors classes are significantly less rigorous than high school honors classes and neither accurately indicate an individual’s preparedness for Advanced Academic (AP) courses. These misconceptions can lead parents to pressure their children to be in higher-level classes than they can handle.

“They take honors math early and then they never consider not taking honors math,” math teacher Carolyn Tabrizi said. “A lot of times students who are young determine their worth based on their grades and when they end up in classes that are very challenging to them, their grades aren’t as good…students struggle, and they dig themselves [into] a hole, and they’re not able to get out of it.”

This phenomenon is furthered by the expectations of colleges and universities. Any student or parent currently going through the application process understands just how difficult it is to get into a ‘big name school,’ and it’s only getting harder. To get in, students must have an impressive academic record, and many parents, correspondingly, feel the need to encourage a competitive course load. While help from parents can be beneficial, it can also reinforce artificial stressors in students’ lives, inducing even more anxiety about their future. 

“It’s just finding that balance… I love the quote by [Frank Sachs]: ‘college is a match to be made, not a prize to be won,’” school counselor Mallory Bacalis said. “It’s all about finding the right match for you.”

Parental input can be vital to success in school, such as keeping tabs on grades and assignments through ParentVUE, but there is a fine line between helpful and harmful. Most students feel stress and pressure to complete schoolwork alongside all their other activities and responsibilities which fill their schedule. That pressure, combined with the constant reminders from adults regarding outstanding assignments, can make it feel like no matter what students do, the expectations are always just out of reach.

“Sometimes [the reminders are helpful], but honestly, I feel like most of the time, it’s the stuff you have to want to do in order to improve, and then someone reminding you makes you think, ‘I was gonna do it [but now I’m not],’” Lucia Busey (’27) said.

Academics are not the only aspect that students and parents have to keep track of. Extracurriculars can contribute to college applications and future success, and simultaneously, serve as the catalyst to finding purpose and community. These activities often start at a young age, when parents enroll children in sports to gauge their interest and talent. However, once students get to high school and adulthood approaches, the hobbies and activities which once brought joy are viewed in a different light. As a heavier emphasis is put on education and its role in post-high school life, extracurriculars that don’t support college goals are often put on the back burner.

“I played a sport for a long time,” Judy Backman (’26) said. “[My parents] wanted me to quit sooner to focus on academics and [my] future career.” 

In recent years, parental oversight has been expanding. As of Oct. 12, Lightspeed automatically sends FCPS parents weekly summaries of the websites their child visits. While this is intended to keep parents informed on what their child has been using and has access to, some students are concerned about this update.

“I feel like [Lightspeed is] overboard a little bit, and invasive too,” Beiwei Sullivan (’28) said.

While programs like Lightspeed are meant to keep students from getting off topic, the long-term effects may be the exact opposite. Time management is a skill that must be developed over time. If a specialized program is necessary to keep them on task, how will students learn to manage their time once off on their own?

Not only must college students keep on top of their assignments and project deadlines, they must also take charge of making everyday decisions. These include jumpstarting a career and keeping up with social life while avoiding the tendency to procrastinate. The loss of parental oversight, after years of relying on it as a safety net, can make suddenly being out on your own daunting, which in some cases can lead to a state of codependency that is difficult to escape from.

Some choose to deal with expectations and familial dependence by attending a college far away from home or even in another country, while others manage their lack of functional or emotional independence by keeping close. This can foster an unhealthy relationship for child and parent alike, and can create a barrier between the student and their college community. 

“My first semester of college was pretty rough,” Maya Beam (’24) said. “My friends were kind of not great influences, and so I found myself going home all the time, like … when things got hard … I didn’t have to stick it out like everybody else. I felt like people bonded over [the experience] and they grew as people just dealing with the difficult things in college instead of being able to [just go home]. [After that], I decided to stop going home at every little thing.”

When parental involvement grows to the point where students are unable to make decisions for themselves, it can lead to an overall sentiment of unpreparedness to make even the smallest, everyday decisions required by adult life. Of course, situations vary from family to family, which is why open communication between student and parent is vital. Similar to college, parental involvement is a compromise to be made, not a battle to be won.

“[The balance of protecting your kids versus restricting them] is what parents are constantly trying to do,” social studies teacher John Colley said. “Because you want them to have more and more independence as they get older, [but] at the same time … you don’t want them to make a big mistake.” “There’s no hard and fast rule [regarding parenting]. It’s case by case.”

It can be difficult to find the middle ground between protecting your child from making mistakes and allowing them to grow and learn, which is arguably the big challenge of parenting, but students need the opportunity to fail and reflect in order to make it in the real world. Establishing trust and understanding between parents and their children should be prioritized over a grade point average or extra AP class. Above all, students need to have parents whom they can rely on as they work their way towards adulthood.

“Each of my children need a different level of support; I have an IEP child, an AAP child and a kid in the middle so it’s helpful to recognize how each of them experience school differently,” Tabrizi said. “They each have different levels of success. … That does not translate to all of them getting A’s or 4.0’s.”